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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.